Suicide is an epidemic. Between completed suicides and attempts, we are talking a huge amount of people in the U.S. and around the globe. To be honest, I don’t want to write this entry, because it is too close to the bone. I have been depressed for the past 3 weeks and have had suicidal ideation. Please don’t worry if you read this. My therapist and psychiatrist are both aware and I have a safety plan in place. Despite all that, I, of course, hate having those feelings. I wish I never had feelings to self-harm. But it isn’t really the kind of thing you can control. It is like depression, it just casts a dark shadow over your life and invades your thoughts in such a shocking manner.
I had a very close friend who died by suicide a couple of years ago. I will write more about her in a future post. When I opened my computer and looked at my messages I was shocked to discover that there was a message from her father telling me she had taken her life. I cried and cried and damned the world. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She was always so concerned with how everyone else was doing. Some of the best people on the planet are the very ones who die by suicide. They are sweet, sweet, sweet and this sweetness makes the people around them think they are doing just fine. But we all know how to wear the mask. Some of us will have suicidal thoughts for the entirety of our lives. This is terrifying and makes me wish for a magic bullet to take away these dark and ominous thoughts.
My own suicide attempt was in my early 20s and was linked to the use of psychotropic drugs and alcohol. I mixed a bottle of Paxil with a bottle of Vodka and passed out. Amazingly, I woke up the next morning, vomited, and was otherwise okay. I was also mad that the attempt did not work. I wanted off of this planet and I had the typical feeling that I could not even get a suicide done right. Although I have had so many thoughts of suicide since then, I have never made another attempt. But I have come very close.
I have no words of advice for other people contemplating suicide. Of course I would say “Don’t do it” but that is the easy part. The more difficult part is trying to explain to someone why their life is worth living. It is hard for another person to explain this to someone. I almost think it is something that the individual needs to figure out. Sure, others can give hint and ideas, but it ultimately comes down to the individual deciding what makes it worth being here. It is also about pain: how to identify it, how to manage it, how to overcome it. People go through so much pain and it seems so overwhelming. This is why people need to reach out. There is nothing more important than reaching out to a professional, a friend, a family member or a suicide hotline. In closing, I would like to say something very simple to my readers: you deserve to be here. Your life has value and the time you have on the planet is preordained. Don’t end it prematurely, because the best may be yet to come.