Depression III

I have felt very depressed now for the past two weeks. This is why I have gotten behind on my daily entries. I wasn’t planning on writing another entry on depression but I feel the need to. I can’t believe how much depression takes out of me and has taken out of my life as a whole. It is the problem that will not go away, at least not for long. I have a lot of serious health problems but this is the one that is the most deadly and dangerous. Most of all I am exhausted from depression and tired of living with it day after day. Despite endless therapy, psychiatry, medications, hospitalizations and partial hospitalizations, I have made so little progress.

I barely have the words to describe how exhausting and depleting depression is. And the reality is that most people don’t want to hear about it. When you have had depression for a long time I think people get tired of hearing about it. People who don’t have depression can NEVER understand people who do have depression. I have not met a single person yet that could. This is why it is so important for us to speak from our voices and not for non-disabled “helping professionals” to speak for us.

If you are reading this and have any ideas for me to try, please reach out to me. I feel like I have run out of ideas. Depression makes it so hard to function. Not only to do your job, but just to function from day to day life in terms of the activities of everyday life. Sleep is one of the only things that feels good to me, or maybe eating carbs or sweets. I do not have the energy to do much else. As always, I wish I could understand what causes my depression. I can never figure it out. Perhaps there are triggers but other times I just think it happens for no reason at all. It is a chronic illness and it is spiking.

Look at the lack of treatment for people with depression. We are given talk therapy, psych drugs and put into hospitals. There are other more “alternative” options but they are expensive and usually not covered by insurance. So if you are cash-strapped like me, these are difficult to obtain or maintain. I can color in my adult coloring book or play my keyboard and they may help a little but not for long. It is a shame that there are not more options for people with depression because there are so many of us and we often suffer in silence. We wear the mask and try to conceal how we are actually feeling. Mostly I don’t even try. I may be able to say I am “okay” if somebody asks me, but I am tired of being expected to say “good” when I am feeling anything but.

Depression is the fight of a lifetime. I face many challenges but this one is the worst for me. It is life threatening and it is exhausting and depleting. I wish there were more resources, more understanding and more options. If I have to write depression parts IV, V, VI, VII etc. I will do so because I feel the need to write about it, even if I say the same things over and over. Like with anything, being vocal helps. If you have depression, please tell me if you are comfortable doing so. It always feels better to feel less alone.